Friday, March 30, 2012

What we do and why?

Dear Blog, I am going to tell you something real obvious today, but you may have also not realized it, the way I didn't for a long long time.

It was one of these Sundays in the last month when mommy said that she wants me to patiently listen to what she has to say and try to implement it too. I was in high spirits and committed to her that she can tell me whatever, I shall abide by it. She began and ended and in less than five minutes but got me thinking many times post our discussion. Basically mommy asked, that "do you know why we behave rudely with someone", "do you know why we shout at others", "do you know why we get irritated when a nobody asks for help". She said because we CAN. What she meant was that, when we shout at someone, we know at the back of our minds that we CAN afford to shout, similarly when we behave rudely that is because we CAN behave rudely and get away with it and last but not the least we get irritated for the simple reason that we CAN help but well why bother. Mommy also said, that this how one becomes arrogant, this is why power (in which ever form) goes to our mind and plays its wicked games.

Isn't this profound dear blog, I always, since ages felt that I shout because someone has bugged me, I behave rudely because I am upset! Its just not this, its only how I have conditioned myself to believe. It took me a while to digest this revelation but when I did, I decided to be more patient, (trust me, my job really tests me on this one) not shout, never be rude and be helpful as much as possible. Its been a few weeks and I have managed to score decently on all accounts (with of course a lot of a conscious effort). So much and more for being my mommy's wonderful daughter :)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

There have been too many questions floating in my head recently and sadly I didn't have any satisfactory answers. Questions about life, love, destiny and the like. There are only two choices when I am bombarded with such existential questions viz. put them at back of mind and get going or figure out answers. I miserably failed at both, neither could I get my mind off them, nor could I convince myself with whatever few arguments I could conjure.

Fortunately or unfortunately, life always gives indications if not answers. The only problem being that they are sometimes too small to recognize, sometimes too trivial to cognize and more often than not too harsh to accept but then they are always there. So when I was on a losing war against my questions, I got indications and respite thereafter. As I write, I remember how varied, how relevant, they were and are.

One of my common cribs is that I never usually get things on time, I mean in my mind I have no doubt that I deserve the best but then there is an unnecessary and painstakingly long wait. It was that very day, when I was in my low of lows that I read somewhere "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain". I got the point, plain and simple and felt miles better than before.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

I have been slightly down and out in the last few days, have cried, had depressing thoughts, cursed my fate and called friends to tell my plight. Its unusual, because I generally don't like doing it but well some days I can't help it. It was something really small that triggered it but led to a chain reaction, it was like going into a downward spiral. I thought this was the end of my happy life when I remembered God, faith and everything else that has been a part of my upbringing. First time in my life I felt, how difficult life would be for atheists. Hypothetically speaking, there is no one that doesn't go through ups and downs in life and when people who do not believe in the existence of a supreme power go through lows, what do they do, what do they hold on to.

Faith is a wonderful thing I realize, I can turn to faith come whatever may. No questions asked and no answers given. It helps me keep going, makes me fight bad times and lends me the strength to look up and smile. As I ponder more on this subject, the more it emphasizes itself. When I look back at all the tough times I have gone through, I can conclude that its always the same things that comfort, optimism, faith in God and kind words.

Its fortunate to have a memory which keeps wise and kind words in some space from where they can always be recovered. A friend once told me, "In the end, its all going to be fine" and another told me "Since you have reached the nadir, there is only going upwards" and an uncle whom I met on flight said "Life is like a game of cards, you can't change the cards but play as well you want to". I just replayed all these phrases in my mind and am back to being the happy - strong person I want to be.